Unless your name is Bob Vila, stop trying to fix shit
For the folks that did not or will not experience infertility first hand, let me tell you now there are a few things you should NEVER say to people who are on that struggle bus. We know that you are trying to help, that you have no idea how to respond, when to respond, and when too much is too much or too little is too little. Let me give you a little playbook to guide you through this shit.
Never Say “Relax”: that isn’t just the name of this website and blog, this is a real thing and the sin of all sins. If relaxing cured infertility then one of my 10,208 beach vacations should have saved us $60K in IVF costs…. right? It’s not that easy, and when you tell us stories about people you don’t actually know that just relaxed and it fixed the problem it makes us want to throat punch you (I don’t condone violence, so don’t say it). The best thing you can do, just listen.
Never Say, “You can always adopt”: just don’t even say the A word (adopt). Don’t. Yes, it is a solution to being childless, but so is IVF, surrogacy, donor eggs, and all kinds of other things that we are trying to do. It is such a personal decision and personal journey that we are battling, so when you hop right to the ‘all else has failed’ option it is a punch in the gut. If you had a sore on your foot that required antibiotics you wouldn’t tell the person “why don’t we just amputate”. That is what it feels like when you bring up the A word. Let the couple tell you when they are ready for that potential option, until then just listen.
Never say, “You need to see Dr. Vexing”: again, solutions are great and we love you for trying; but remember that many of us have been trying to solve this for years before you came along with the world’s greatest doctor. We put a lot of time and energy into choosing a doctor, trusting them, and giving them the keys to our uterus… and ALL of our money. When you constantly tell us that we need to see this other doctor it makes it seem as though we are making the wrong decisions and your beloved doctor recommendation is the silver bullet. Kindly suggest that you have doctors you can recommend, wait for us to ask, and just listen.
Tell ME you’re pregnant: the easiest way to break our heart even more is to announce your pregnancy with some stupid fucking baby shoe picture on Facebook before telling us. Yes, we are happy for you, we aren’t animals; nor would we wish this on anyone. Taking five minutes of your life to write a letter, send a message, or pick up the phone to tell us that you are expecting a baby will let us know that you care. You thought about our struggle, our feelings, and freaking care. I’m crying while typing this, crying happy tears when I think about our friends who told us in beautiful ways before they announced it. I will forever hold those friends in my heart; they are truly beautiful (yes, I am on estrogen and lupron right now).
Stay in touch, and just listen: it’s easier than you think. Don’t stop calling or messaging us because we got annoyed with you for telling the ‘she relaxed and had triplets naturally’ story for the four hundredth time. Try to not get upset with us when you think you are helping, but you’re crushing our fragile souls. Instead, take a deep breath, realize you can’t fix this for us, and just be there & listen. Call or send us a message around big events like retrieval surgeries, transfer days, beta days. Send a note saying you are thinking or praying for us. Ask, ‘how are you?’ at random times. Don’t be upset when we give short answers because we are sad and can’t talk about it. Surprise us with a card or flowers.
Friends, I know this is awkward and hard to navigate; but take a step back and just realize it’s not as hard as you likely make it. Be present, show you care, and don’t try to fix it.
Ladies who are TTC, feel free to leave your words of advice in the comments for other readers.
Footnote of other one liners that make you look like a dickhead:
You already have one, you’re lucky
It’s too bad you focused on your career
Maybe you’re not meant to be parents
Is it him or you?
Trust me, you’re lucky you don’t have kids
It will happen
At least you don’t have cancer
It was so easy for me to get pregnant! My husband just looked at me and I was pregnant
When are you going to realize that it’s not meant to be (a super nice family member told me this beauty)
You can have my kids if you want
Tell your stupid story about when you found out you were pregnant…..
