Upper West Side bound and down

So what I thought was going to be easy, turned out to be the roller coaster I had heard it was.

What I Thought:

I would shoot myself up with some hormones, gain a few lbs, have some eggs removed, make a ton of embryos, put a couple right in a few days later, and boom I’m pregnant…. All in about six weeks

What Really Happened:

Got really confused by the med injector, messed up my med dosage, got half the eggs I expected, made some nice looking embryos, was told I had a brain tumor so we couldn’t transfer said embryos, had an MRI that showed I didn’t have a brain tumor, scheduled appointment to start the protocol for a FET (frozen embryo transfer)…. NOT in six weeks

Fast Forward SIX MONTHS later; in March of 2017 we transferred our two best embryos in a FET. To prepare, this took about 3-4 weeks of hormone injections, progesterone suppositories (gross, I know), and visits with my BFF wanda (transvaginal ultrasound). The hormones that delayed the process were now in check thanks to even more medications.

Although I was looking good on my lab report I was feeling like a raging lunatic. One med made my eyes water constantly, another gave me the jitters, another made me depressed, and another made me madly hungry all day long. I was sad, fat, and looked like I smoked a Snoop Dog sized spliffy with red eyes.

We transferred two highly graded embryos on that exciting day in March. They were considered “perfect”, and we had no reason to believe they wouldn’t both stick so we were mentally preparing ourselves for twins. Even triplets if one of them split. We referred to those perfect little embryos that were cooking in my body as April & Kenny. They weren’t just embryos on a photo, they were real to us, they were our babies.

“Oh, what do I know? I know that one of us had their own personal stylist and one of us shoplifts their shit from Fashion Bug. That's what I know.” Kenny Powers - Eastbound & Down, Season 1

I took it easy the day of my transfer and started my favorite hobby about 5 days later, peeing on home pregnancy sticks. I bet you didn’t know you can buy them in bulk on Amazon, or that there are hundreds of threads about which brand of test is more accurate. I must have spent 204 hours reading these stupid threads in those 10 days. I would pee on a stick first thing in the morning, then again in the afternoon, then again before bed. I took tests into restrooms at work, in airports, and yes… even in an airplane bathroom. I am what they call a super duper black belt home pregnancy test ninja. Never spilled a drop!

The 10 days between the transfer of our precious embryos and our doctors office pregnancy test (via blood) I never had a positive home test. I would stand on the sink and hold it up to the light, on one foot, with squinty eyes. I would take pictures of it and use Instagram filters to see if it was expose a tiny glimpse of hope. Nothing. I would read more threads to see if there was any women out there that didn’t test positive on a home test but was actually pregnant. Nope.

The blood test confirmed that April & Kenny were no longer embryos, but were now absorbed by my body. We lost them.

This was only the beginning of losses on this journey. Easy, it was not.