Upper West Side bound and down

So what I thought was going to be easy, turned out to be the roller coaster I had heard it was.

What I Thought:

I would shoot myself up with some hormones, gain a few lbs, have some eggs removed, make a ton of embryos, put a couple right in a few days later, and boom I’m pregnant…. All in about six weeks

What Really Happened:

Got really confused by the med injector, messed up my med dosage, got half the eggs I expected, made some nice looking embryos, was told I had a brain tumor so we couldn’t transfer said embryos, had an MRI that showed I didn’t have a brain tumor, scheduled appointment to start the protocol for a FET (frozen embryo transfer)…. NOT in six weeks

Fast Forward SIX MONTHS later; in March of 2017 we transferred our two best embryos in a FET. To prepare, this took about 3-4 weeks of hormone injections, progesterone suppositories (gross, I know), and visits with my BFF wanda (transvaginal ultrasound). The hormones that delayed the process were now in check thanks to even more medications.

Although I was looking good on my lab report I was feeling like a raging lunatic. One med made my eyes water constantly, another gave me the jitters, another made me depressed, and another made me madly hungry all day long. I was sad, fat, and looked like I smoked a Snoop Dog sized spliffy with red eyes.

We transferred two highly graded embryos on that exciting day in March. They were considered “perfect”, and we had no reason to believe they wouldn’t both stick so we were mentally preparing ourselves for twins. Even triplets if one of them split. We referred to those perfect little embryos that were cooking in my body as April & Kenny. They weren’t just embryos on a photo, they were real to us, they were our babies.

“Oh, what do I know? I know that one of us had their own personal stylist and one of us shoplifts their shit from Fashion Bug. That's what I know.” Kenny Powers - Eastbound & Down, Season 1

I took it easy the day of my transfer and started my favorite hobby about 5 days later, peeing on home pregnancy sticks. I bet you didn’t know you can buy them in bulk on Amazon, or that there are hundreds of threads about which brand of test is more accurate. I must have spent 204 hours reading these stupid threads in those 10 days. I would pee on a stick first thing in the morning, then again in the afternoon, then again before bed. I took tests into restrooms at work, in airports, and yes… even in an airplane bathroom. I am what they call a super duper black belt home pregnancy test ninja. Never spilled a drop!

The 10 days between the transfer of our precious embryos and our doctors office pregnancy test (via blood) I never had a positive home test. I would stand on the sink and hold it up to the light, on one foot, with squinty eyes. I would take pictures of it and use Instagram filters to see if it was expose a tiny glimpse of hope. Nothing. I would read more threads to see if there was any women out there that didn’t test positive on a home test but was actually pregnant. Nope.

The blood test confirmed that April & Kenny were no longer embryos, but were now absorbed by my body. We lost them.

This was only the beginning of losses on this journey. Easy, it was not.

It's not a toomah

On November 14th, of 2016, we retrieved 8 eggs, with 5 of them becoming viable embryos that we could transfer to make a baby. It’s the old school thought process that you transfer 1 or 2 of those embryos exactly five days after the eggs are retrieved, then you freeze the rest. I say old school because studies now show that freezing & thawing rarely harms the embryos so it is better to let your body heal from the surgery and transfer them at a later date, known as a Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET). 

We had an old-school doc, so he wanted to perform a fresh transfer those few short days after the surgery but something unexpected happened. During the process your fertility doc regularly monitors your hormones, all sorts of hormones that even I (a nurse) wasn’t familiar with. It turned out that my brain, specifically my hypothalamus, decided to unexpectedly start spewing out a ton of a hormone called prolactin. To combat the high level of that hormone some of my thyroid related hormones latched on to the prolactin, causing me to have secondary hypothyroidism. Hot. Freaking. Mess.

Despite all that, I wasn’t all that worried that we were going to do a FET instead of fresh transfer, because this would give me time to get my hormones right. What did make me go into batshit crazy mode was that after numerous weeks of unsuccessfully trying to regulate the hormone levels with meds, the doc felt confident there was a mass on my brain causing this issue.

“A brain tumor. That is all I could think of while waiting days to get in for an MRI. A. Fucking. Brain. Tumor.”

— Rose, losing her mind

Of course I assumed this is why god didn’t give us a baby, because I have a terminal brain tumor. My mind went in approximately 1,204,308 directions. Everywhere from “I’m sure it’s not a tumor” (in my Arnold voice) all the way to making my bucket list and wondering how I would pay for all my cockamamie must-dos.

Meanwhile, while I am thinking I am dying of a vicous life sucking brain tumor (dramatic much?), my husband was in South Carolina for a wedding sending me non-stop photos of delicious food and beach parties. Let’s just say when he returned he felt the wrath of a crazed woman and realized the error of his ways. If I am not having fun no one is having fun, and apparently it doesn’t matter if I told you I didn’t mind you going.

How I envision my look when my husband walked in the door from the airport.

Long story short, we didn’t transfer as expected because nothing in IVF goes as expected, I thought I had a brain tumor, I had an MRI, I confirmed I didn’t have a brain tumor, I forgave my husband for not being perfect, and we kept using meds to get my hormones right so I could transfer 2 of our 5 perfect little embryos.

Next up, our first (of many) FET.

Some of my non-existent brain tumor bucket list items, in no particular order:

• Walk the Great Wall of China

• Start a non-profit for rescuing dogs

• See the Northern Lights

• Hug my mom more   

• Climb Kilimanjaro

• Hike Patagonia

• Swim in the Dead Sea

• Write my niece & nephews letters of wisdom (likely not all that wise notes from Crazy Aunt Rose)

• Spend as much time as humanly possible with my wonderful husband, even though he refuses to miss a wedding or good time

• Spend time helping my favorite dog rescue in Thailand

• Visit little girls in school in India, helping build them u