A women's place is in the home
After our first round of IVF failing we took a moment to do what we do best, travel and spend time with the people who matter most. Let’s face it, 2017 was making out to be a shit year in the baby making category, but we still did some pretty amazing things to distract us.
Witnessed a magical “Hobbit Chic” themed wedding in Oregon
Took a girls trip to Orlando
Another family trip to Walt Disney World in the books
Traveled to Dublin to see Eddie Vedder & Glen Hansard
Watched the Americas Cup in Bermuda
Spent time with some amazing friends in LA
Moved into a roomier apartment
Took our parents on their first European vacation, exploring Italy
Made a huge career move to get off the ‘road’
Let’s talk about #9 for a moment. When you hear of women going through IVF you tend to think about the shots, money, stress on the couple, and success rates. Not many people mention the impact it has on a career.
Let’s go even further back. Us women, we just need to find a good husband to take care of us so we don’t need to worry about a career…. at least that’s what my grandma always told me. My mother on the other hand instilled in me that you have to always be prepared to be on your own. The rules were simple, never give things up for a man. Never fully depend on a man.
I never sold my furniture when I lived with boyfriends, it went in storage so I had a furnished apartment in a jiffy after a breakup. Independence was everything, and even though I had crossed over to the dark side with my husband, sharing bank accounts and all that, I still always wanted to be financially independent. I was moving up fast in a Big Four firm, with many hints along the way that the Partner option was one I could aim for, and obtain one day.
I was traveling to client sites around the country, spending four days each week away from home in a foreign city. I racked up the travel points, had zero issues eating at restaurants alone, and often worked until 8pm+. Now that I write that, it sure doesn’t sound all that fun.
Then came this pesky thing called infertility. All of sudden I had to be in NYC for a doctor’s appointments, labs, ultrasounds, medication pickup, and what not. I was rearranging my travel schedule & client meetings, rejecting projects (Miami = Zika), asking for random time off, and making shit super awkward at work. I felt like a juggler in the circus, and it was only a matter of time until I dropped the ball(s).
Because NO ONE talks about navigating this, I had no clue what the options were or more importantly, the best option. So I decided I just had to let the cat out of the bag. I sent the Partner I reported to the old mysterious “do you have a minute to chat” text message that I’m sure made his “she’s going to quit” radar go off in a frenzy. He immediately called me, and I told my middle aged male boss that I was doing IVF, couldn’t take the Miami project on due to Zika risks, and would need to be in NYC sporadically for appointments. Then I blacked out waiting for his response. Did I just ruin my chances at continuing up the Partner path? Did he want to vomit from TMI? Did I solidify his thoughts that women are pains in the ass?
Well, what happened next has been consistent throughout my career from that day on. He said, “Rose, that is the most important thing and you need to focus on IVF, work will be just fine!” Turns out that companies don’t fall apart when I take a day off or move my schedule around. Being transparent about IVF with my employer, all three since that day (KPMG/NYU/Northwell), is one of the best decisions I have ever made. It allows me to stop hiding, stop feeling guilty, and stop carrying the weight of living what feels like a lie. It also gives my boss(es) the opportunity to support me and do the right thing. I would want the same for my staff as well.
Back to #9, the huge career move I made in 2017 was from the big firm and partner path to being a manager in a department within the Revenue Cycle of a hospital. This was a significant step down from what I was doing, both title and pay, but during the hiring process I was transparent about IVF and they couldn’t have been more supportive. I may have taken a step down/back, but I had freedom to get to ANY appointment without changing flights, I left work at 5pm with no stress, and was home with my husband for dinner.
That didn’t last, and of course I took a more demanding job just nine months later at a larger hospital system. I even had to tell yet another middle aged man, one I had only ever spent 45 minutes with, that I was doing IVF before accepting the position. That man is now my boss and couldn’t be more supportive.
I told myself, if a prospective employer is turned off by my current medical situation, then I don’t want to work for them anyway. Peace out!
NOTE: Infertility is considered a disability with the American Disabilities Act (ADA). If you apply for Accommodation through HR, your employer can not lawfully keep you from taking that time off/away, fire/suspend you, or demote you due to your disability & medical care. Link Here
