I would like to take a quick pause from my novice storytelling and provide you with a list of things I wished someone had told me before I started my first round of IVF:

1. Get a Planner: Ok seriously, if you think you can keep track of AM injections, PM pills, before bed suppositories, random Wanda (ultrasound) meetings, and all the other bullshit you are Crazy with a capital C. Get a calendar and write it all down, check it off when you do it, and use a pencil because things quickly change (see #5). This means even transferring the lame version of a calendar that your doctor’s office gives you, especially because it only contains some of what you will have to keep track of.

2. Secure Your Meds ASAP: This was, by far, my biggest stressor. Yes, my medications were covered by insurance. Yes, I am one lucky MOFO. That still doesn’t mean it was easy and a bald eagle delivered them to my door while singing Eye of the Tiger two weeks before I started my cycle. I would call to check on my order, to then be told there was a problem with the order and my doctor’s office has to call them. Call doctor’s office, then call pharmacy back, then wait to find out if it all worked out. Then call pharmacy back, then find out they are working on authorizations. Call pharmacy back again, apparently they never like to call you if they need something, to find out they need something else from the doctor’s office. Repeat steps from above 4x. Then they rush order your meds to you in big cooler boxes full of transplant organs. You do inventory based on your stupid calendar of meds to find out you are missing a medication. Call pharmacy, repeat steps above. You start meds, then realize they didn’t give you the needles for one of the injectables and you only have syringes the size of Oath Keeper. Repeat steps above. In Short: stay ahead of the game, take inventory, ask questions, and get your shit together early to reduce stress because it never goes as expected.

3. Stay Organized: If the two items above didn’t scare you into getting organized, then you can skip this one because you’re a whimsical free spirited lost cause. Let’s talk facts here. You are a human trying to scientifically make a human while working, being a wife, and living your normal everyday life. If you think you are Marcia Brady and can just Keep On Keeping On then you are in for a rude awakening, or maybe you just love to live in a world of chaos (you’ll be great with kids). Get your calendar updated, get all your meds in place (go to TJ Max and buy a contraption to organize meds), make sure you have everything, check out the $10K in meds to familiarize yourself with how to inject yourself before the start, and ask questions when you feel lost. This is a large investment so do not feel bad about asking questions big or small. Get yourself in a space that you feel ready to jump into this crazy thing called IVF, then you will be prepared for when things get bumpy.

4. Communicate: Us ladies, we like to talk. Talk about feelings, the future, what we want in life, and all that jazz. The stress of IVF has been compared to that of having cancer and going through treatment, so expect that even the strongest will crack. This doesn’t just mean crying uncontrollably because the Bachelor isn’t on due to another boring Presidential address, to then say “oh these meds are making me emo”. The shit will take you to another level of stressed, and coming from me (a compartmentalizing ninja), that really says something. Communicate with your spouse when you don’t feel supported, communicate with your mom/sister when they say insensitive things, communicate with your boss so they are given the opportunity to support you, and communicate with your friends so you don’t want to buy a one-way ticket to freak out town when they announce they’re having their 12th child. Feeling alone is unfortunately part of the process, so if you choose to hold it all in you will eventually burst… into a lot of tears….at the most awkward moments. Remember, communicate!

5. Stay Flexible: If you are anything like me, you love structure, where plans are carefully laid out so you can execute without a second thought. Structure allows me to handle the unexpected because this b!tch is ready to handle it. Well, that ain’t IVF! You’ll be told your embryo transfer is on Monday, you will make sure you take the day off work, spend the weekend mentally preparing with cautious optimism only to find out once you get there that they want to wait another two days because your asshat uterus isn’t measuring as ‘ready’ yet. Stay flexible, let it roll off your shoulders, and see #7.

6. Stay Hydrated: What’s that animal with a hump that chugs water or something? Be one of those! For some reason, I felt a bazillion times better on some of the toughest meds when I was crazytown hydrated, I’m talking that big effing Evian that requires you to rearrange your fridge…. Times two daily. Trust me on that one.

7. Laugh at Yourself: When you find yourself in a rage because Bachelor in Paradise doesn’t air on Labor Day (animals), or scream-crying because you are stuck in traffic; just stop, take one deep breathe, and laugh at how batshit ridiculous you are. My husband just looks at me in my rages or tears, where he then calls me Crazy Fry (my maiden name) and just laughs, which turns into me laughing. Sometimes you just gotta laugh bitches!

In short, get an old lady planner, your daily pill container, chug water, put on some gangsta rap and handle this shit!